Finding Freedom: Beauty in Other Spaces (Part 2)

Often I think the battleground of beauty is a black woman’s fight.

We’ve suffered the most. We’ve had the difficult task of discovering and possessing our own beauty in a world where it is rarely celebrated. Most often it is despised.

But recently, I spoke to Iris, an 18 year old South Korean exchange high-school student, about her own journey to appreciating and possessing her beauty.

I discovered that in the battleground of beauty, all women experience similar oppressions from living under the beauty standards of their respective cultures.


I can’t remember the conversation exactly. Maybe we were talking about some recent Hollywood star’s plastic surgery. But Iris flipped open her laptop and played a PowerPoint presentation of before and after pictures of South Korean women who have undergone surgery to change their appearance.

“It’s like self-care.” Iris shrugged.

In South Korea, plastic surgery is not a big deal. It is not uncommon to see Korean women walking down the street with surgical masks that barely hide their bruises.

South Korean beauty standards demand pointy noses, v-line chins and double eye-lids. And if you aren’t born with it, then you buy it.

But it is evident from the PowerPoint presentation that these women are trying to possess a beauty that is not their own. They look like wannabe-white women.

“I was so relieved when I got my double eyelid,” Iris chattered on, “I felt so ugly.”

Luckily, Iris has avoided plastic surgery. Her double eyelids popped out in her early teens. But she admits to feeling pressure from relatives about her appearance before her eyelids showed up. There were rumors of surgery.

I’m slightly confused by this obsession with double eyelids and the supposed ugliness of monolids. Aren’t monolids a phenotype that is most common in Asians?

“Your eyes are more open,” Iris argued, affirming the superior beauty of double eyelids.

More open like Caucasian women?

In Korea, there is an elevation of Caucasian beauty which stands in stark contrast to Korea’s pride in its homogeneity.

I want to scream racial self-loathing. Hypocrisy. But I can’t  judge South Korean women.  I’m reminded of my own personal struggle to see and possess beauty where I had been told there was none or very little.

For a long time I  thought my hair was only beautiful when straight.  And I know other black people who sincerely believe that lighter skin is better.

However,  I’m saddened by a commonality that I see in my black community and in South Korea.

We pursue a beauty that will never be ours. And in pursuit of another’s beauty we erase our own. We cover it up. We bleach it away. Carve it out or chip it off.

Lauren Nicole Love eloquently describes this as a perversion of beauty:

the perversion of beauty, when it happens, is that our eyes have been closed and we do not see it. the lie of beauty, when it is told, is that you do not posses it….

How do we open our eyes to our own beauty?

Maybe we finally see it in foreign spaces. Maybe we discover our beauty in the beauty standards of another culture.

“I like how I look better.” Iris confessed. She admitted that before moving to the US she wanted to get a plastic surgery procedure done.

Now, she feels more free concerning her appearance.

I want to know what she has done with the freedom she believes she has in the US.

“I went tanning,” she laughs.

In South Korea,white skin is essential to attractiveness. Women lather themselves with sunscreen, use makeup so their faces appear whiter and stay out of the sun.

Iris recognizes her disadvantage in South Korea, “ I have darker skin.” But here she loves her skin color. When she gets dressed up, she wears makeup that matches her skin.

Listening to Iris, I get the impression that here she has the freedom to choose the type of body she wants. She doesn’t want to be fat but she enjoys not having to starve herself to achieve the emaciated look preferred in Korea. And she loves the muscles she has developed since she began to play soccer. Iris is passionate about developing a stronger more toned body.

Iris’ message to other young Korean women is to look like themselves,”You’ll look the same with the plastic surgery.”

I concur: possess your own beauty.


Finding Freedom: Beauty in Other Spaces (Part 1)

blog picture 1This task of defining beauty is cumbersome.

Throw in our biological preference for youth and symmetry, the global status that white skin is given; and the social construct of beauty that varies across cultures and time periods.

It’s messy. Complex. Oppressive.

But I’m not as interested in defining beauty as I am in women possessing their beauty.

What is possessing one’s beauty? Is it figuring out the right makeup and hairstyle for your features?

I appeal to a blog post recently written by a friend to offer insight. Possessing your beauty is “to see beauty in yourself.” It is a release from shame.  From oppressive beauty standards. And yes, from the belief that physical beauty is worthless.

It is the freedom to “delight in beauty. Yes, even your own.”

Possession of our beauty doesn’t happen all at once.

You might catch glimpses of it. Underneath a blasting shower, a ringlet of hair bounces with the steady stream of water.

Maybe we find freedom to delight in our beauty in a quote by Kola Boof:

My look, mind you, is not chocolate like Lauryn Hill, Whoopi Goldberg, or Naomi Campbell–it is pitch black and shimmering like the purple outer space of the universe. I am the charcoal that creates diamonds. I am the blackest black woman.for blog 2

And sometimes we possess our beauty outside of our own culture. Away from our own ethnic group and a culture that upholds a certain beauty ideal.

We possess it in a space where we are the exotic.

In our laughter as a stranger stands in the street,  grips his chest and sings out:  “Morena de mi corazon.”

We see our beauty in the eyes of others as they take delight in our presence.

I possessed my beauty during my eight month stay in Lima, Peru:

I came home to myself. I took out the braids and I was left with a kinky, coily, curly ball of hair.  And I fell in love all over again.

I think of the shame that we as black women sometimes live with. For generations society has repeatedly told us that our hair is ugly. It needs to be hidden. It needs to be changed. It needs to look less African (whatever that means) and more European. But as I walked down a street in Lima with my big fluffy hair I felt glorious. I felt feminine. Womanly. There was a rush of power, defiance and self-acceptance.

…in this culture I am the Other.  But I  I’m going to enjoy  being the Other. I’m going to enjoy the GLORY of my hair. I’m going to enjoy its BOLD, BIGNESS DEFIANCE.

Links of the Week 04/19/2013

1. How Sketch are Dove’s Real Beauty Sketches? [Beauty will Save the World]

Yes! Society does need to delight in women’s minds and abilities but alongside women’s beauty- not instead of. And I would argue that it is the same for men. We should delight in men’s minds, abilities, and beauty. This is why I would have loved to see more than two short clips of a male subject. Hence, there are faults to this video no doubt. The presence of more men involved would have fought another lie that self-image is only a female problem. And when I say involved, I mean as subjects not merely as informers (like the male artist depicted as the male source of affirmation telling females that they are beautiful). Because a woman’s beauty needs to be celebrated not merely by men but by other women too! And a man’s beauty needs to be celebrated not merely by women but by other men! Just as we learn to identify and celebrate beauty in others, we cultivate the aptitude to recognize it in ourselves. This has been made a difficult task in our society and the Dove Real Beauty Sketches touched on it.

As long as this is a conversation on beauty, this cannot be about defining -but about recognizing. For beauty is not for us to define how we want; it is for us to appreciate what it is.

2. Not your erotic, Not your exotic [Suheir Hammad] 

don’t seduce yourself with
my otherness my hair
wasn’t put on top of my head to entice
you into some mysterious black voodoo
the beat of my lashes against each other
ain’t some dark desert beat
it’s just a blink
get over it

Teach Boys Not To Rape

Audrie Pott

Audrie Pott

It has not been long since the Steubenville Ohio rape case, and unfortunately two other rape cases have come out with similar scenarios but have ended in death.

Tragically, Audrie Pott,  a fifteen year old girl from California hanged herself after being sexually assaulted by three boys.

Not too long ago, Rehtaeh Parsons  a seventeen year old Canadian girl also hanged herself after being sexually assaulted by four boys.


This story is repeating itself over and over again and it has to stop. We need to teach boys not to rape. We need to teach

Rehtaeh Parsons

Rehtaeh Parsons

boys to respect women. Just like we hold women morally responsible for their sexuality, we need to make men accountable for their sexuality as well. Women should not bear the burden of worrying about what to do to not get raped. The victim should not feel shame the rapist should. These boys in all three cases behaved like beasts, like wild animals in the jungle.

As a woman I should not expect to be raped or sexually assaulted. I should not have to tell my future daughters to expect to be violated by men. We as women have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, living in fear of getting raped or sexually assaulted takes that right away from us. I am calling for justice for Rehtaeh, Audrie, the women in the Congo, and the women sold into sexual slavery every day. They deserve justice.

For any woman who has been sexually assaulted suicide is not the answer. There is life after being raped, there is happiness and there is a future filled with hope.

If you have been raped there is help available for you

National Sexual Assault Hotline – 1.800.656.HOPE

Links of the Week April 1, 2013

Hi Everyone,

We were away last week. Actually spent it in the beautiful mountains of Colorado. Hoping to write a blog post related to that experience soon.  But here are some articles and blogs that we thought were interesting.

1Beyoncé asks women to ‘bow-down’: Is this an identity crisis? [ The Grio]

And this is why it seems so… jarring, really, for Beyoncé, after 15 years in the game, to start calling fellow women “b***hes” and demanding that they “bow down” like they are her lowly subjects.

Maybe Bey’s picked up her husband’s hip-hop swagger and God Complex by association, but I wish she’d put it back down. If for no other reason than as much as everyone dislikes a sore loser (like Cole appears to be), they loathe an arrogant winner even more. (And it’s not because she’s a woman. Kanye West is maligned for his arrogance, too.)

24 Amazing Black Women They Don’t Tell You About in School [Our Common Ground]

Even as a slave, Elizabeth Freeman, known as Mum Bett most of her life, had the audacity to sue for her freedom. Born into slavery in Claverack, New York around 1742, Freeman, at a reported six months old, was sold, along with her sister, to John Ashley of Sheffield, Massachusetts, a judge in the Massachusetts Court of Common Pleas. Enslaved to Ashley until she was almost 40, Freeman was spurred to action when the mistress of the house Hannah Ashley tried to hit her sister with a heated kitchen shovel. Freeman intervened and was hit instead, leaving the house, vowing to never come back.

Aware of the 1780 Massachusetts state constitution and its declaration of all men being free and equal from Sheffield’s many conversations, Freeman sought the services of Theodore Sedgwick, an attorney with anti-slavery sentiments. In 1781, a Massachusetts court awarded Freeman and another of Ashley’s slaves named Brom their freedom in Brom and Bett v. J. Ashley, Esq., even requiring Ashley to pay damages.

3. Why It’s Important to Keep Knocking [ The Simply Luxurious Life]

One of the most significant lessons to learn as we each traverse toward our most ideal life is to keep a burning persistence within ourselves. For when we set our sights on what we wish to achieve and are able to not be distracted by an endless list of goals that only tickle our fancy but then quickly lose our interest, we streamline our energies toward an eventual success.

Sexual Assault/ Abuse Does Not Define You

stebeunville rape photo #2 (1)

As most of you know from my previous blog post and tweets, I have been closely following the Steubenville Ohio Rape case.

Both boys, Trent Mays and Mailik Richmond, were found guilty. And the punishment fits the crime: [They]will serve their sentence at a juvenile detention facility until they turn 21, and both will be labeled as sex offenders for the rest of their lives.

In spite of all the ugliness surrounding this case, the victim’s mother conveyed a message of hope when she addressed Richmond and Mays at the end of the trial: “This does not define who my daughter is. She will persevere, grow and move on.  Her mother could not have said it any better. This is a message of hope for her daughter and millions of women around the world who have been raped, or sexually abused.

Sexual assault/abuse does not define you.

When someone violates you sexually, that can be hard to heal from.  Take your hurt, your pain, your shame and do something great with it, gather strength from it and move on.

I also what to extend this message to women who have chosen sex work, stripping, who have pursued a promiscuous lifestyle, or have experienced the heart ache of being used and dumped by a man like a Kleenex:

What you do or do not do with a penis, or what a man does to you, do not define who you are.

Stuffing the Beauty Box

Nigerian model Adaora Akubilo

Nigerian model Adaora Akubilo

Why do we stuff the beauty box?

We put all sorts of things in it: stretch marks, scars, cellulite, droopy skin, fat, wrinkles etc.

Maybe we’re rebelling against the unrealistic images of female bodies that our monthly subscriptions of Glamour and Allure tell us we should look like.

But in our attempt for a more realistic portrayal of our bodies are we still buying into the message that our bodies’ primary function is to convey beauty? Maybe we believe that beauty equals worth. So no matter how unpretty, everything goes into the beauty box.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe that we should recognize and celebrate physical beauty.

But how much of our worth should come from beauty? And if we are flawed or God forbid not pretty what then?

Post-pregnancy belly

Post-pregnancy belly

Sometimes, I think that maybe we are delusional about our bodies.

We are not frozen pictures in a magazine or paintings hanging on the walls of the Chicago Art Institute.

Our bodies are for living.  We cook, clean, write, hug, fix, create, run, leap,  think, lead,  and love with our bodies.

Our bodies tell our stories.

Maybe we get stretch marks because we ate too much and gained weight. Or because we made love and are pregnant. Or because we just entered puberty and our bodies grew too fast.

Our bodies tell our stoires

Our bodies tell our stories

Or sometimes in our living we accumulate scars that tell a story of bodies that have overcome cancer, self-mutilation, rape and other forms of violence.

Is our worth diminished because we are no longer pretty or certain  body parts are deformed, scared, wrinkled, missing etc?


Labonya Siddiqui

A couple of weeks ago I came across Labonya Siddiqui, a model and burn survivor who is ‘determined to show the world that scars can be beautiful.

I think Labonya has beautiful eyes, hair and smile. And I am thrilled that she is challenging what is an acceptable body type in the fashion industry.

But I want to tell Labonya that she doesn’t have to convince the world that her scars are beautiful. That she doesn’t have to stuff them into the beauty box.

Her scars tell a story of bravery, suffering, resilience, and hope. And that’s more than I can say for a photoshopped picture of a Victoria Secret model.

I want to celebrate bodies like Labonya. Bodies that convey vulnerability, strength, dignity, hope, joy, suffering and beauty. I want us to celebrate our own bodies: they carry the marks of our lives and of our living. They are more than just beautiful.  I want to celebrate our bodies telling our stories.