Welcome to Worthless

Worthless is a lonely place. It is a never ending, winding stair case. Women dressed in black attire line the steps. A heavy, thick darkness hangs in the air. The women can barely see the steps in front of them.

Silence. It is silent except for the sound of women weeping. If you listen closely, you can hear them scuffling around searching for something. Blindly, they search for an escape.  Their tears blind them. There is an exit at the very top of the stair case but because they cannot find what they are looking for, they do not notice the way out.

The women in Worthless remind me of fine bone china. They are beautiful and fragile with painted faces like the painted decorations on the china. She maybe the woman who walks into the room and everyone, male and female, notices, or she could be the silent but pretty girl hurdled in the corner. She is always complimented on her beauty, yet she is secretly insecure. She may seem like the most confident woman in the room or the most insecure.
In Worthless the women are looking for their worth, as they believe they do not have any. Each step is a painful memory of something lost or taken.  With each memory these women crawl around with bent backs blindly searching.

A woman in Worthless steps cautiously on step number three, memory number three. He becomes a real life apparition.

“Where is it?” she asks. “Do you have it in your pockets or did I leave it in your back seat? Maybe it jumped out the window with me?” Her worth was not given freely but it was not taken by force. It was supposed to be a mutual exchange.

As quickly as he appears, he disappears. Onto step number four, memory number four.

“What did I do? Talk to me,” she begs.

No response. He is silent, just like the first, second and third. She cannot seem to find her worth so she searches harder.

Worthless is as worthless does. Being overwhelmed by the feeling of incompleteness and emptiness, she does anything and everything to fill that void.  To get validation she settles. She stays with someone she doesn’t like or love in hopes that he will validate her. She hopes that he will love her because she is incapable of loving herself. She casts aside her morals along with her clothes. Exposing her vulnerability to him the first offender, or any other man she hopes who will return her worth.  If he doesn’t leave her, she will get her worth back. If he asks for a relationship, she would have proved to herself and everyone else that she has worth.

By the time she reaches the tenth step she’s tired. She has been stripped of her self-esteem and self-respect.  She doesn’t talk to this memory. She has stopped asking for her worth. Instead she lays crumpled up in a pool of her own tears. Her mind races, “Why doesn’t he want me? Why won’t he commit? Maybe if I was prettier? Why wasn’t I worth loving? Something must be wrong with me.”  She rolls around, fighting the temptation, the urge to confront him and ask, “Am I worthless?” But she won’t ask. She cannot handle this type of rejection, she cannot comprehend it. Instead she blames the one thing she can control: her body. She reasons, “Since he doesn’t know who I am, it must be the thing he does know, my body.” After all she’s given him what society stresses is the most valuable thing a woman has to offer. But instead of treasuring her, he tossed her aside and she feels worthless.

I saw a fly trapped in a window once, and it reminded me of the women stuck in Worthless. It was trapped between the screen and the glass. Outside was so close, close enough that the fly could feel the breeze. The fly buzzed around thrashing its wings and crashing into the corner, it would rest, and then start buzzing around again. I was told that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting to get different results. The fly tries its hardest to escape by crashing into the corners over and over again but to its demise and disappointment, there is no escape. Unlike the fly, the women trapped in Worthless are capable of leaving.

Worthless is a state of mind. It is not real. No one is worthless. A man cannot give, add to, or take away from a woman’s self worth. The women in Worthless are looking for something they already have. Something they alone, can find in themselves.  They believe that men are the keepers of their worth. Women in worthless don’t love themselves. Worthlessness only produces worthlessness and they begin to love themselves less and less. When they learn to love themselves, they will stop treating themselves poorly and the feeling of the worthlessness will disappear. Some women are fortunate to leave Worthless without getting banged around and others leave more damaged than others. The hope is that no woman ever has to go there.

Worthless: without practical value or usefulness: good for nothing lacking in usefulness or value.

Self-worth: dignity; the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect: respect for a favorable opinion of oneself.

Worth: usefulness or importance as to the world to a person or for a purpose

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