I did it again. Blamed my womanity for the end of my on and off relationship of five years. Maybe I shouldn’t have demanded commitment?? Maybe I was too emotional at times? Or maybe it had something to do with my body?
Womanity is a word that I made up by combining the word humanity with the word woman. My womanity is inclusive of all of my emotions, wants and desires that are specific to a human being that is of the female gender. Womanity is a celebratory word.
I admit that sometimes I am ashamed of my womanity. Sometimes, I want to scrape away all the emotional aspects of being a woman, and just hold on to my feminine physical attributes. Deep down, in the very depth of my soul I ached for commitment. Commitment more than just boyfriend and girlfriend, more than lovers and friends. After five years I yearned for marriage. I got emotional when I tried to discuss this with him. Doubt always followed after the “marriage talk.” Did I really want marriage or was I being emotional? Was he disrespecting me or was I emotional? Did I compromise too much or was I being emotional? Was he controlling or was I emotional?
I used my emotions as an excuse to avoid the truth about what I wanted from our relationship and what he was willing to give. I assumed that my emotions were bad. If I made any decision because I felt a certain way that it was wrong. Often times, I tried to smother my womanity in an attempt to keep a relationship that never accepted my womanhood in all it’s entirety. My ex-boyfriend’s refusal to accept my desires for intimacy, connection, and commitment was a denial of my womanity.
Womanity embraces, praises and celebrates the idea that women have emotions and are capable of expressing them. There is no shame in wanting to be in a committed ,monogamous relationship. Yet women are afraid of expressing that particular desire. Often, in society,if a woman expresses too much emotion, she is chastised as being “crazy”, or “you’re being emotional,” are phrases that are commonly tossed around as means of shutting her up, and sadly, it works.
Society wants the outer shell of the woman, the convenient, easy pieces, but not the woman in her entirety. We must look like women but think like a man, and thus deny or suppress natural and normal thinking and feelings for a woman. If you suppress your womanity you are more socially acceptable: you will keep the man, your co-workers will like you, and there are countless other examples.
A female is preferred not a human who hurts, bleeds and cries. I always hate when I hear people refer to women as females because the word female relates to the sex that bears young or produces eggs, designed with a hollow groove into which a corresponding male part fits. Animals can be female, the word female lacks humanity.
Emotions are part of being human. I am human. I am woman. I proudly celebrate my womanity.